So the past week or so I have had several situations where I am made aware of how weak I am. Without going into the details, I was reminded of a situation in which I was unable to forgive another person. I knew it was the right to do but I didn't have the fortitude. And then I read today's first reading (see Acts 9:26-31). Paul just had his conversion. Barnabas is bringing him to the Christian community. Oh and remember Paul hunted down Christians, threw them into prison and often over saw their executions.
Picture this... a good and trust friend is coming over for dinner to your house. On his way over he calls and says he has a guest and a surprise. Your curiosity is peeked and you are a little excited while you put out another setting at the table, between you and your oldest child's spot. The doorbell rings and there is your friend smiling from ear to ear. And behind him holding a bottle of wine to be shared at dinner...
... your worst enemy...
someone who hunted down and killed your family members and friends. He just didn't ruin the lives of your loved ones, but he had them dragged away in chains, imprisoned and killed.
Anger, confusion, fear, betrayal, hatred, despise, disgust, resentment. Your friend tries to tell you it is okay, but you are blinded by the rush of emotions.
It gets even worse, he is taken to the leaders of your church and they are dumbfounded and amazed. It really appears as if "your enemy" has turned his life around and repented. He begins going to church, joins the choir, teaching Sunday school, and is becoming part of the Christian community.
I have no idea how to do this. The best I can do is merely an act of will because I know I should forgive, but I feel no desire, nothing in my heart. And I see how my bitterness and anger has wrapped itself around my heart.
Mahatma Gandhi once said, "The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong." I don't see how this is possible. I have reached a point where I realize I am simply not strong enough. All I can do is surrender myself to God. He is my strength. The strength to forgive is simply not my own, it can only come from God. I do not have the power. It comes from a higher power.
How did Mary forgive while Jesus hung on the cross? I have no doubt in my mind that Mary forgave those that were responsible for her son's torture and death. In fact she probably had compassion and even pity for them. I just have no idea how. Sure I get it intellectually... but how! How does one conquer through love?
The Christian path is not easy. The road of discipleship pretty much impossible on your own effort. There are times when God calls us to do certain things that we can only do by surrendering and relying on Him.
And suddenly the Gospel reading seems to fit in perfectly. (John 15:1-8) In order to be disciples we need to remain in Him, just as a branch cannot survive without the vine. I need to lean in, surrender myself, give myself fully and completely. I do not have roots of my own, only through the Vine. In my weakness, He is my strength. But pray for me... while this is know to my mind, it is not yet in my heart.
Why do we worship? Because we are weak and He is strong. Any strength that I have is not my own but His. Anything good, any love, compassion that I possess is mine only because it comes from Him. But it transforms me.
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